Ever been to a great junkyard? Welcome to mine.

Everything here is what it is. One man’s junk is another man’s treasure. Who said that? Probably Vince Lombardi. He said every other damn dumb thing Americans remember. 

Just leave. Walk away. Don’t run. If you run, we’ll 

catch 

you and hurt you. Have a lifetime of learning 

how 

to do 

that. Way meaner than a junkyard dog.

We already told you, you don’t belong here. So get lost.

He died young. I didn’t. Life is a hard way to go.

But in case you thought we were kidding, we have spent years learning how to catch you. This is what my 1969 Chrysler 300 convertible was like…

High performance 440 from a Dodge Super Bee, Carter 

Thermoquad carburetor, Koni shocks, police pursuit tires, 

and custom dual exhausts, the Mozart of motor sounds.

Zero to 60 in 6.9 seconds. Not bad for a 4,000 pound car.

Probably left the AC on. No prob. Get-em next time.

Crashing is fine… Just don’t do it.

Here’s how I learned to drive… real simple, Go fast. Turns out, Big Brother doesn’t want me to show you what a fast car looks and sounds like in real life. So we just look at the speedo instead.

Not PC to show speeeeding….

And here’s how the dogs we use to hurt you are trained. Well, it also turns out, we don’t want to see Dobermans and German shepherds protecting vile human beings. Generally, you have to subscribe to see this.

Not PC to show dog cops either…

Turns out, we can still do this motherfuckah, though.

Same year The Boomer Bible was published. 

I’m the guy in the shorts, but taller and smarter.

And because everything is always about me, here is 

me being featured, the guy in the shorts but taller, 

smarter, and way poorer. Both of us still alive so far.